loneliness

This is why they call it loneliness.  No matter where I am.  No matter where I go. No matter how many people are around me. No matter how many times you catch me laughing, just be sure that in side me is hollowness.  I am empty.  Solely lined with sheets of memories of what was or could have been.  Promises made and never kept. Idol words said. And hanging from all of these things is the same empty meaningless ending.  Hanging there is something showing me that I am not worth the event to continue, so it is cut off,  Leaving only this familiar tag.  

Days are too many to count, how lonely I have been.  There have been countless times I have been reminded of my undervalued place in the world.  I reach for the grip in this well,  I tell myself, this is foolery.  I really do, but I know here is where I belong.  

The incident that happened on March 2.  4 weeks after Clayton accepted my friendship on facebook I woke up to being blocked.  Completely and totally blocked. I have reached out to him 4 times to get an answer as to why. But no reply, as usual.  My life is not important.  I am only important when I serve a need for others and then I am discarded.  When it is found out that I serve no purpose, I am completely discarded with no looking back.  I think this episode, although not the most damaging. Was so unexpected and shocking and painful, it sent me into myself so far, that I can't really see myself at my age truly coming out. I mean for real.  I really think I am the person I was in high school who was 15 years old and had no choices to survive, but the difference is I am 48 not 15 and I see no way out.  

That blocking by Clayton on top of everything I have been through in the past 27 months was so shocking that he showed me that in fact I am worthless garbage, just like 3 others told me so many times in the past 2 years. 2 therapists hate me so much that when I see them they completely ignore me, not a smile even or a hi. Just a snub. I truly have no strength to get back up. So I am not going to.  

Let my facade fool you, I hope it does.  If you think I am healing, great.  If you think I am happy, great, it's working.  If you think I am strong, wonderful, I'm not but it doesn't matter. 

Clayton the damage one person can do by turning their back so callously on another can be immense. Just know that.  I asked you what I did.  I never heard back,  so I can only imagine it was unforgivable. So I can yet again right on top of another one, yet again I am unforgiven. 

nice. k~