Here is another hind sight ah ha, Social Medial. Over the past 2 years, I discovered that I am not a very well liked person. Over this time it has been extremely hard to overcome this. My heart or feelings, however are slowly coming around to this fact. I am beginning to automatically stuff everyone's hate for me into myself and just hold onto it. As at 15, I began this process and was able to hide tremendous pains and things that were done to me and done around me.
The lid to this capsule was blown off in January 2014 and after seeking help for 2 years while continually being kicked around and abused by those around me, I have now successfully stuffed it almost all back in. I don't cry any more. If I feel myself slipping, I dig my nails in my hand or arm and that works.
Soon I will be in complete "disguise". The "Nothings wrong girl". Like I was in high school and 30 after. This time the pain has some added things to it. I actually know as an adult, that I am hated. I know that I am despised, I know that I am un-forgiven, I know I am not the most important person to my husband, I know that I am alive for my children, I know that I don't deserve happiness and laughter, I know I don't deserve cherished friends. I know it is just a waiting game for my life to finally end. Nothing more is out there for just me. It will be for those around me. I will only get happiness from the Joy of others life, not in mine.
I have a small other hand. Hope dare they judge. Not one person, has God made is equal. If only we could see people just for who they are and visa versa. But I have prayed for forgiveness and just a few days I got slammed to the wall for things that I have done and the people who started it pay no penance for what they did. They continue to laugh at me in my pain as they tear me apart. It's ok God approves it. Let them have joy in my pain.
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