loneliness

This is why they call it loneliness.  No matter where I am.  No matter where I go. No matter how many people are around me. No matter how many times you catch me laughing, just be sure that in side me is hollowness.  I am empty.  Solely lined with sheets of memories of what was or could have been.  Promises made and never kept. Idol words said. And hanging from all of these things is the same empty meaningless ending.  Hanging there is something showing me that I am not worth the event to continue, so it is cut off,  Leaving only this familiar tag.  

Days are too many to count, how lonely I have been.  There have been countless times I have been reminded of my undervalued place in the world.  I reach for the grip in this well,  I tell myself, this is foolery.  I really do, but I know here is where I belong.  

The incident that happened on March 2.  4 weeks after Clayton accepted my friendship on facebook I woke up to being blocked.  Completely and totally blocked. I have reached out to him 4 times to get an answer as to why. But no reply, as usual.  My life is not important.  I am only important when I serve a need for others and then I am discarded.  When it is found out that I serve no purpose, I am completely discarded with no looking back.  I think this episode, although not the most damaging. Was so unexpected and shocking and painful, it sent me into myself so far, that I can't really see myself at my age truly coming out. I mean for real.  I really think I am the person I was in high school who was 15 years old and had no choices to survive, but the difference is I am 48 not 15 and I see no way out.  

That blocking by Clayton on top of everything I have been through in the past 27 months was so shocking that he showed me that in fact I am worthless garbage, just like 3 others told me so many times in the past 2 years. 2 therapists hate me so much that when I see them they completely ignore me, not a smile even or a hi. Just a snub. I truly have no strength to get back up. So I am not going to.  

Let my facade fool you, I hope it does.  If you think I am healing, great.  If you think I am happy, great, it's working.  If you think I am strong, wonderful, I'm not but it doesn't matter. 

Clayton the damage one person can do by turning their back so callously on another can be immense. Just know that.  I asked you what I did.  I never heard back,  so I can only imagine it was unforgivable. So I can yet again right on top of another one, yet again I am unforgiven. 

nice. k~

Why

Why do people do the things they do?  It is an easy question to ask, but a very difficult one to answer.  In the last 2 1/3 years, I have had so many interesting things happen to me.  I wounder what people think.  Long ago, approximately last spring, I sent a friend request to a high school friend.  I don't remember doing this, but I am sure I did.  So this person accepted my friend request at the end of January.  It was such a nice surprise.  Well by the end of  4 weeks, the new old found friend blocks me. Why I ask you? Why?  Every single thing I said we said, could have been copied and shared on Facebook, printed in the newspaper, etc.  He just blocks me, no explanation, no good bye, nothing.

Why does any connection with anyone matter if it's going to end like that?  What do relationships no matter how benign, make a difference.  I have no idea anymore.  As any person, I crave interactions with people, or I should say I used to.  But after being treated like trash for 2 solid years, being played with like a non human, and tossed away over and over again, there's no use really in trying.

Block me, use me and throw me away.   I can no longer trust the new, the fun, the happy as real things.

People will do with me what they do.  "I will call you tomorrow" oh, they must of meant a different tomorrow.

Just don't befriend someone and kick them to the curb. It hurts a lot.

k~

Me and Social media

Here is another hind sight ah ha, Social Medial.  Over the past 2 years, I discovered that I am not a very well liked person.  Over this time it has been extremely hard to overcome this.  My heart or feelings, however are slowly coming around to this fact.  I am beginning to automatically stuff everyone's hate for me into myself and just hold onto it.  As at 15, I began this process and was able to hide tremendous pains and things that were done to me and done around me.  

The lid to this capsule was blown off in January 2014 and after seeking help for 2 years while continually being kicked around and abused by those around me, I have now successfully stuffed it almost all back in. I don't cry any more. If I feel myself slipping, I dig my nails in my hand or arm and that works.

Soon I will be in complete "disguise". The "Nothings wrong girl". Like I was in high school and 30 after.  This time the pain has some added things to it.  I actually know as an adult, that I am hated.  I know that I am despised,  I know that I am un-forgiven, I know I am not the most important person to my husband, I know that I am alive for my children, I know that I don't deserve happiness and laughter, I know I don't deserve cherished friends.  I know it is just a waiting game for my life to finally end.  Nothing more is out there for just me. It will be for those around me. I will only get happiness from the Joy of others life, not in mine.  

I have a small other hand.  Hope dare they judge. Not one person, has God made is equal.  If only we could see people just for who they are and visa versa. But I have prayed for forgiveness and just a few days I got slammed to the wall for things that I have done and the people who started it pay no penance for what they did.  They continue to laugh at me in my pain as they tear me apart. It's ok God approves it.  Let them have joy in my pain. 

Pariah

I am seriously depressed, I was taken advantage of by someone and controlled by them from the beginning. I was made to feel less of a person, at the end he just clicked a button and in his world I was gone, it tore me up.  I never claimed innocent. I was so sorry for being caught up in his needs and fantasies. I had so much need at the time, it felt great and it made me feel needed. I learned soon enough it was all for him and a him only, I was only a whore.  I was a whore that would get paid with vicious words, pain and guilt and shame and my worst and most familiar nightmare ignoring. I am a whore.  I have never moved on and I fear I never will. He took what I was and created a whore, a monster, a pariah.

His wife "found out", although I believe she knew most of the time.  She tore me up, as was her right. However, at one point she did say she forgave me and that he did this all the time, then she tore me up and spit me out.  She proceeded to forgive him fully and they are a happy couple moving forward and doing what they need to do to be together.  Forgiveness.  I am still being victimized by them.  I am a whore, a monster, a pariah.

Darkness is where I sit
Only few shadows are what I see
The stench is potent
Drips of what I don't know is all I hear
Reaching out I feel moist walls
Sometimes movement quick, slow.
Some warm, some cold, some sharp, some wet.

Darkness is where I sit
I have for some time
The stench is shame, guilt, loneliness
Never too strong for anyone to notice
Never so, to be rescued

There is no reason to scream anymore
There is no reason to cry
I have done that
I have explained it
What looks like being well and moving on
That's just me slipping further down
Far past the ladder
Far past the grips in the walls
Far past the growth on the walls to hang onto

I have slipped down
What once I have been before
One can't get this far on their own
Help is always needed to get here
Help is always needed to stay here

I am glad this is my second trip
I had left some things behind
Things that I can use to bide my time
Here are some pencils
Here are some chalks
Here is some paper
Here is some twine to play with

I can feel all of these things
I can play with them
As if someone will see them someday
As if someday I will be seen again

I never want to be seen again
I am gone
You see, the person you see is not me
She is gone down here
You see what you want to see.
That's me.
k~

Welcome

Although, I am sure, that no one will be reading this on the big world wide web, I am writing it anyway.  I feel compelled to write.  I have been told I am a terrible writer by my husband.  For that reason, I have held back my writing and just kept my thought to myself.  I have also been reassured that no one would be reading anything that I would write, so why write it.  That said, I have  created a blog for me to put out there into space my thoughts and feelings as I go through the mundane of life.  I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which a friend I have had, one I felt was like a sister to me and I may add is a Nurse practitioner, told me that just means I have a shitty personality (hind sight being 20/20 I shouldn't have told anyone (BIG MISTAKE).  So it is here I choose to lay out my stupidity for all to read and mock and laugh at. All expect the people who know me.  Since there is no interest in my daily life,  There truly will be no interest in this blog, because the first one, no one reads.