Pariah

I am seriously depressed, I was taken advantage of by someone and controlled by them from the beginning. I was made to feel less of a person, at the end he just clicked a button and in his world I was gone, it tore me up.  I never claimed innocent. I was so sorry for being caught up in his needs and fantasies. I had so much need at the time, it felt great and it made me feel needed. I learned soon enough it was all for him and a him only, I was only a whore.  I was a whore that would get paid with vicious words, pain and guilt and shame and my worst and most familiar nightmare ignoring. I am a whore.  I have never moved on and I fear I never will. He took what I was and created a whore, a monster, a pariah.

His wife "found out", although I believe she knew most of the time.  She tore me up, as was her right. However, at one point she did say she forgave me and that he did this all the time, then she tore me up and spit me out.  She proceeded to forgive him fully and they are a happy couple moving forward and doing what they need to do to be together.  Forgiveness.  I am still being victimized by them.  I am a whore, a monster, a pariah.

Darkness is where I sit
Only few shadows are what I see
The stench is potent
Drips of what I don't know is all I hear
Reaching out I feel moist walls
Sometimes movement quick, slow.
Some warm, some cold, some sharp, some wet.

Darkness is where I sit
I have for some time
The stench is shame, guilt, loneliness
Never too strong for anyone to notice
Never so, to be rescued

There is no reason to scream anymore
There is no reason to cry
I have done that
I have explained it
What looks like being well and moving on
That's just me slipping further down
Far past the ladder
Far past the grips in the walls
Far past the growth on the walls to hang onto

I have slipped down
What once I have been before
One can't get this far on their own
Help is always needed to get here
Help is always needed to stay here

I am glad this is my second trip
I had left some things behind
Things that I can use to bide my time
Here are some pencils
Here are some chalks
Here is some paper
Here is some twine to play with

I can feel all of these things
I can play with them
As if someone will see them someday
As if someday I will be seen again

I never want to be seen again
I am gone
You see, the person you see is not me
She is gone down here
You see what you want to see.
That's me.
k~