Turning it around... shutting the lid.

After so many months of hard work and perseverance, I believe I am turning around, I am doing the 180 if you will.  I have shut the lid on what got blown off in 2014, this time, however, I made sure I used so many nails of iron and others of steal that won't rust.  I also added a few things different.  I added a few air holes.  I think this will allow what will never go away, to breath a bit and not beg to come out and rear it's ugly head so often.

I can't say there was any recovery in the 21/2 years, but as my husband put it, there as been some improvements in my health.  I certainly can't deny that.  I sleep better.  I am not as down as often.  I socialize more, however socializing comes with a HUGE *.  I prefer to be alone most of the time.  I keep up with my very busy family needs, animal care and for the most part house care.  I keep up with my volunteering AND am looking for a part time job.  I couldn't say that a year ago.

The people that hurt me so and blamed me for their short comings and greediness during my severe illness,  they are living their life guilt free and happy, at least in my mind.  Some people are just evil and don't care about others. I am proud that I am not one of those people.  I am one to accept my wrong and take my blame and ask for forgiveness. Now it is time for me to move forward.  Their hatred has defined me for too long.  I am not what they made me for 2 years. I am kind and caring and I do wrong things and I feel guilty and ask for forgiveness.  It is who I am.  I am moving on.

This is going to be a tough job, healing and believing in myself.  I feel up for it now. I have to be up for it.  I have a family to care for.

So here's to me this new year on the eve of my birthday!  People are people and I am one of them.  I am good and try very hard.  I always have.  I have a strong compassion for people and do things that I feel will help others.  I make mistakes just like everyone else.  I have depression, anxiety, SI, low self esteem and several other things going on
.  If  I can make it anyone can.  K~

After 2 years of DBT.

I wish I could remember when I quit DBT.  I could stop writing and look at for the date.  It is just on my desk inside but it is so beautiful outside and sunny, I don't want to go in and mess with that.

I want to be so very clear as I write what I am going to today.  It is important for me to stress the difference between DBT the skills and DBT the individual therapy.  The skills are priceless.  I feel that they need to be taught in our school systems or our cooperate offices.

The skills are so very useful life skills, day to day skills and really wellness skill for daily life struggles with others and ourselves.  My son is going through therapy to learn the skills.  I am clear to his therapist that this is the ONLY reason I have taken him from his excellent therapist he had, to the DBT one he has now, IS FOR THE SKILLS.

It is the individual therapy where it gets tricky.  DBT therapy believes that NO trauma can be worked on until one learns the skills.  It is up to the therapist and a group of therapists to determine when trauma work can started.  A person suffering from trauma can literally wait 3-5 years before any work on the trauma that brought them to therapy in the first place can be dealt with.  If anyone disagrees with you, any professional in DBT, I would be happy to send them info to contact the therapist I had for over a year to discuss this.

We could talk about having emotions, about having feelings, etc. but no specifics.  Numerous times I was yelled at if I brought up specifics.

WHERE AM I MENTALLY NOW....

It has been a few months now. I have to say I am at a much better place then I ever thought I would be at.  Yes, I must add, I have buried my trauma that got ripped open in January 2014. That was all my childhood past traumatic memories.  I still deal with some residual feelings that are coupled with the trauma I got involved with in February 2014. That was a mix of "the perfect storm" for me. As I further myself from my DBT therapist.  I have became a much calmer person.  Far more introverted in my thinking overall, but not afraid to say it like I feel it is when I feel I need to.  That is how I always have been.  I have always been there for the underdog.  I just never stood up for me as the underdog but I am at least internally learning.  I have on a couple occasions shared my opinions to others that have hurt me, but sadly they fall on deaf ears as they always have.

Today, I see a bit of a future for myself.  3 months ago, I saw no future at all. I couldn't even see how I was going to fit into the next day.

I think I got my bravery back.  Enough praying and prayers from others, and God has finally granted me bravery.  He allows me to stand on my own two feet.  He allows me to see where I went wrong and know what to own and know what not to.

I can't yet forgive myself. For what I did is kind of unforgivable.  But I know now that I didn't start it. I was manipulated by a master of manipulation.  I was tricked by a heartless bastard.  Those are facts.  Those I know, as of today, I can hold onto.

k~

Blacklisted

It does take me a while but I have finally realized that I have been blacklisted. This is no fly by the seat of my pants realization, it is a theory that I have looked long and hard at and came to this conclusion, by checking the facts and re checking them.  L, she is doing some of the damage.  She is going around and smearing my name and my life to anyone who will listen.  Little does she know her husband P was the sole perpetrator.  He is the predator.  And yet I get black listed.  So many people have told me over the last 2 years to hush hush about what he did.  Therapists have told me to keep what he did to me a secret.  Let what he did to me go and move on.  It is surprising what our society will allow to be kept hidden.  For me I have been shunned and little by little people look at me just like L & P want them too.  I reach out to people who I was hoping were still my friends or who might be a good support person and they have no time for me.  so even though I try so hard to stuff and not bring up my past, I sit alone.  I am starting to like it that way.  But mostly I don't like going out of the house at all. That has  been fantastic.  Little by little I have stopped reaching out and no one has really noticed.  I am looking at it like somewhat of a social science experience.  How long will it take before no one will reach out. Will it be days ( that one has already been answered, it has been days.)  Will it be a week, mostly true.  I have to chart that.  And so on I go.  The name Kirsten Walsh has become synonymous with bad new and annoying, danger and a ruined.  STAY FAR AWAY! Be Warned. k~

Yesterdays

I see my yesterdays pile up.   I see more of my yesterdays then I focus on my present.  I most certainly don't look to tomorrow. Tomorrow for me is another yesterday, already.

I will be forgotten.  One that said we would talk this weekend will not remember. One that said we could get together this weekend will leave it up to me to call. One that said they wanted to talk more will let another week go by until I call. 

I submerge myself in art now more and more everyday.  I care for my animals and my home the best I can, but as I can see, it isn't good enough.

Tonight Rick got ENRAGED, rightly so, that he couldn't find his uniform  for work.  He had every right to be as mad as he was.  I am lazy and useless.  He knows it and I know it.  

I am home all day.  He should need for nothing, absolutely nothing.  I guess that is my goal.  I guess that is what I need to do.  Focus on others only. 

It's too late to focus on resolve with P. He got away with all that he did.  I was made to wait too long and now he lives a happy life. A forgiven life. L still meddles in mine I know shes behind the Clayton incident. But I deserve that I guess.  Just remember, some lives are set out that if they continue to hurt others they will always win.  They will always be loved by their peers and held in high esteem.  They will "bury" their bodies and make sure they remain "buried" and I am a live "body" that can truly testify to that. 

k~

loneliness

This is why they call it loneliness.  No matter where I am.  No matter where I go. No matter how many people are around me. No matter how many times you catch me laughing, just be sure that in side me is hollowness.  I am empty.  Solely lined with sheets of memories of what was or could have been.  Promises made and never kept. Idol words said. And hanging from all of these things is the same empty meaningless ending.  Hanging there is something showing me that I am not worth the event to continue, so it is cut off,  Leaving only this familiar tag.  

Days are too many to count, how lonely I have been.  There have been countless times I have been reminded of my undervalued place in the world.  I reach for the grip in this well,  I tell myself, this is foolery.  I really do, but I know here is where I belong.  

The incident that happened on March 2.  4 weeks after Clayton accepted my friendship on facebook I woke up to being blocked.  Completely and totally blocked. I have reached out to him 4 times to get an answer as to why. But no reply, as usual.  My life is not important.  I am only important when I serve a need for others and then I am discarded.  When it is found out that I serve no purpose, I am completely discarded with no looking back.  I think this episode, although not the most damaging. Was so unexpected and shocking and painful, it sent me into myself so far, that I can't really see myself at my age truly coming out. I mean for real.  I really think I am the person I was in high school who was 15 years old and had no choices to survive, but the difference is I am 48 not 15 and I see no way out.  

That blocking by Clayton on top of everything I have been through in the past 27 months was so shocking that he showed me that in fact I am worthless garbage, just like 3 others told me so many times in the past 2 years. 2 therapists hate me so much that when I see them they completely ignore me, not a smile even or a hi. Just a snub. I truly have no strength to get back up. So I am not going to.  

Let my facade fool you, I hope it does.  If you think I am healing, great.  If you think I am happy, great, it's working.  If you think I am strong, wonderful, I'm not but it doesn't matter. 

Clayton the damage one person can do by turning their back so callously on another can be immense. Just know that.  I asked you what I did.  I never heard back,  so I can only imagine it was unforgivable. So I can yet again right on top of another one, yet again I am unforgiven. 

nice. k~

Why

Why do people do the things they do?  It is an easy question to ask, but a very difficult one to answer.  In the last 2 1/3 years, I have had so many interesting things happen to me.  I wounder what people think.  Long ago, approximately last spring, I sent a friend request to a high school friend.  I don't remember doing this, but I am sure I did.  So this person accepted my friend request at the end of January.  It was such a nice surprise.  Well by the end of  4 weeks, the new old found friend blocks me. Why I ask you? Why?  Every single thing I said we said, could have been copied and shared on Facebook, printed in the newspaper, etc.  He just blocks me, no explanation, no good bye, nothing.

Why does any connection with anyone matter if it's going to end like that?  What do relationships no matter how benign, make a difference.  I have no idea anymore.  As any person, I crave interactions with people, or I should say I used to.  But after being treated like trash for 2 solid years, being played with like a non human, and tossed away over and over again, there's no use really in trying.

Block me, use me and throw me away.   I can no longer trust the new, the fun, the happy as real things.

People will do with me what they do.  "I will call you tomorrow" oh, they must of meant a different tomorrow.

Just don't befriend someone and kick them to the curb. It hurts a lot.

k~

Me and Social media

Here is another hind sight ah ha, Social Medial.  Over the past 2 years, I discovered that I am not a very well liked person.  Over this time it has been extremely hard to overcome this.  My heart or feelings, however are slowly coming around to this fact.  I am beginning to automatically stuff everyone's hate for me into myself and just hold onto it.  As at 15, I began this process and was able to hide tremendous pains and things that were done to me and done around me.  

The lid to this capsule was blown off in January 2014 and after seeking help for 2 years while continually being kicked around and abused by those around me, I have now successfully stuffed it almost all back in. I don't cry any more. If I feel myself slipping, I dig my nails in my hand or arm and that works.

Soon I will be in complete "disguise". The "Nothings wrong girl". Like I was in high school and 30 after.  This time the pain has some added things to it.  I actually know as an adult, that I am hated.  I know that I am despised,  I know that I am un-forgiven, I know I am not the most important person to my husband, I know that I am alive for my children, I know that I don't deserve happiness and laughter, I know I don't deserve cherished friends.  I know it is just a waiting game for my life to finally end.  Nothing more is out there for just me. It will be for those around me. I will only get happiness from the Joy of others life, not in mine.  

I have a small other hand.  Hope dare they judge. Not one person, has God made is equal.  If only we could see people just for who they are and visa versa. But I have prayed for forgiveness and just a few days I got slammed to the wall for things that I have done and the people who started it pay no penance for what they did.  They continue to laugh at me in my pain as they tear me apart. It's ok God approves it.  Let them have joy in my pain. 

Pariah

I am seriously depressed, I was taken advantage of by someone and controlled by them from the beginning. I was made to feel less of a person, at the end he just clicked a button and in his world I was gone, it tore me up.  I never claimed innocent. I was so sorry for being caught up in his needs and fantasies. I had so much need at the time, it felt great and it made me feel needed. I learned soon enough it was all for him and a him only, I was only a whore.  I was a whore that would get paid with vicious words, pain and guilt and shame and my worst and most familiar nightmare ignoring. I am a whore.  I have never moved on and I fear I never will. He took what I was and created a whore, a monster, a pariah.

His wife "found out", although I believe she knew most of the time.  She tore me up, as was her right. However, at one point she did say she forgave me and that he did this all the time, then she tore me up and spit me out.  She proceeded to forgive him fully and they are a happy couple moving forward and doing what they need to do to be together.  Forgiveness.  I am still being victimized by them.  I am a whore, a monster, a pariah.

Darkness is where I sit
Only few shadows are what I see
The stench is potent
Drips of what I don't know is all I hear
Reaching out I feel moist walls
Sometimes movement quick, slow.
Some warm, some cold, some sharp, some wet.

Darkness is where I sit
I have for some time
The stench is shame, guilt, loneliness
Never too strong for anyone to notice
Never so, to be rescued

There is no reason to scream anymore
There is no reason to cry
I have done that
I have explained it
What looks like being well and moving on
That's just me slipping further down
Far past the ladder
Far past the grips in the walls
Far past the growth on the walls to hang onto

I have slipped down
What once I have been before
One can't get this far on their own
Help is always needed to get here
Help is always needed to stay here

I am glad this is my second trip
I had left some things behind
Things that I can use to bide my time
Here are some pencils
Here are some chalks
Here is some paper
Here is some twine to play with

I can feel all of these things
I can play with them
As if someone will see them someday
As if someday I will be seen again

I never want to be seen again
I am gone
You see, the person you see is not me
She is gone down here
You see what you want to see.
That's me.
k~

Welcome

Although, I am sure, that no one will be reading this on the big world wide web, I am writing it anyway.  I feel compelled to write.  I have been told I am a terrible writer by my husband.  For that reason, I have held back my writing and just kept my thought to myself.  I have also been reassured that no one would be reading anything that I would write, so why write it.  That said, I have  created a blog for me to put out there into space my thoughts and feelings as I go through the mundane of life.  I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which a friend I have had, one I felt was like a sister to me and I may add is a Nurse practitioner, told me that just means I have a shitty personality (hind sight being 20/20 I shouldn't have told anyone (BIG MISTAKE).  So it is here I choose to lay out my stupidity for all to read and mock and laugh at. All expect the people who know me.  Since there is no interest in my daily life,  There truly will be no interest in this blog, because the first one, no one reads.